… days when you feel like the only thing that will make the world feel right is if you have a pocket full of outdated tools and you’re wearing broken-in comfortable clothes that your big brother handed down to you?

Well, what if you’re early middle-aged and you don’t even have a big brother, but you do have expendable income at your disposal? If that’s the case, the carbon2cobalt catalog was made for you.Their motto: “Effortlessly Cool Men’s Clothes, Footwear and Accessories,” because it would be a damned hassle to collect all this stuff honestly.

Consider the Vintage British Ruler. For just $69 they point out helpfully that they can solve one of the first world’s greatest problems. “Got a gadget-lover that has everything? Pretty good chance they won’t have one of these. Made in England circa 1900-1950, these authentic vintage folding rulers are made of boxwood with brass hardware.”

At this point, I have to admit that I actually do own one of these already. I don’t know that it’s actually of British origin, but it is actually vintage (not just recreated in the style of an inconvenient means of measuring things). I inherited mine as one of several tools I got inexplicably from my great-grandfather. So, don’t buy me this, anyone.

When you’re finished measuring stuff in the Imperial System – proof that you live in one of “only three backwaters still use the archaic Imperial system of weights and measures: Liberia. Myanmar (a.k.a. “the country formerly known as Burma”) the United States of America,” (source) perhaps you’d like to cruise down to the beach (or shore if you live in Jersey) for some serious-as-a-heart attack paddleball in the sand.

Sure, you could pick up the old standby Pro-Kadima paddles for $7.99 at almost any store. But, do they really mean PRO-Kadima? I mean, are these the paddles the actual professionals use? Because that’s the kind of standard you want to set when you crush your sister’s kid into the sand. No – you need Pro League Paddles. At $99.99, they might cost a bit more, but that’s the price you pay to steal away any hopes that little squirt might excuse his loss on account of using unsanctioned paddles.  Carbon2cobalt’s paddles are “made of high-quality lacquered bamboo … [and] feature rubberized grips for optimum handling. Paddles come boxed with two rubberized balls. Imported.”

To my surprise, there actually is a professional league of players in Israel, where they call the sport ‘Matkot’. Here’s a quick video of the organisers of the league:

These guys eschew the wooden paddles in favor of paddles made of indestructible carbon fiber.

But that’s all beside the point. You’re in this for the appearance of quality, not to actually play against these guys. So, Pro League Paddles it is.

And, to ensure that your paddles are perfectly flat, why not invest the $79 to make assessing the level of objects look effortlessly cool? Get the Vintage Carpenter’s Level and don’t stop to ask why the hell the actual level is not itself a level surface. There could be a reason, but it’s not evident.

It’s hard to imagine why carbon2cobalt is such a successful company when it seems to sell only the most ridiculous items for insane prices, but then you remember that gadget-lover who has everything.

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